The End of Myself

I was raised Catholic.  I remember growing up believing in God and praying and talking to him at times as a child.  I remember going to church every Sunday and going through the motions.  There was no real connection; no relationship with Christ.  As I got older, the absence of a true relationship with Jesus was evident and I was oblivious to it.  Then one day, at the age of 15, a friend I grew up with invited me to a Christian church.  I honestly didn't even know what Christian church was about at the time but for some reason I said yes without hesitation.  The following Sunday we attended and I put my faith in Jesus and began a relationship.

For awhile I began to attend church on a regular basis, participated in ministries, and attended weekly Bible studies.  I believed in Jesus but I did not grow in Him; I was living a double life.  When I was at church or participating in anything church related, I was all in; however, outside of church throughout the week, temptation and worldly influences would easily distract and consume me.  At the time I didn’t understand the significance of it.  I thought I was truly following Christ but as I looked back, I was far from it.  I do remember times where all I wanted to do was to serve and follow Jesus, and there were fruits of my walk but I so often easily gave into a worldly life.  I was not grounded in the Word.  I was no different than those of the world; as a matter of fact, I was worse--I was a hypocrite.  Jesus says in Luke 9:62 that, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."  

As I grew into my later teens and into my 20’s my life began to spiral out of control.  I began to abuse marijuana and then alcohol.  By my mid 20’s I had become a full blown self-denied alcoholic.  I did not care who I hurt and how I did it.  I spent several nights and even weeks in jail, wrecked a vehicle and survived without a scratch by God’s mercy and grace alone, attended rehab several times and still continued down my destructive path.  Men truly love the darkness as John 3:19 says.  Anytime my family or friends would reach out to me I felt ashamed, defensive, and angry.  Where there is shame it is easy to comfortably hide in the darkness.  Next thing you know, I’m where I belonged, broken, depressed and at rock bottom.  I had completely abandoned Christianity and I felt hopeless.  I began to seriously evaluate my life and by God’s grace he opened my eyes to the destructive life style I have been living.  

One night I began to pray…seriously pray with repentance asking God to intervene, to help me because I couldn’t help myself and if I didn’t turn to him I felt like I was literally going to die.  It wasn’t until I reached the end of myself that I finally looked to God.  Praise him for that!  I asked God for forgiveness and dedicated my life to Jesus.  I wanted to abandon all of my evil ways and my own efforts and put my complete trust in Jesus Christ.  I picked up my Bible and I began to read the book of Job.  One day of Bible reading then turned into several days, days then turned to weeks, weeks to months.  Next thing you know I was reading my Bible on a daily basis consistently along with other Christian books.  However, I was still not attending a church and I would watch online services sporadically.  The more I read the more I realized the Bible and the Spirit commanding me to attend a church and be part of the Body of Christ.  So I went back to my old church.  I attended that for several months but I felt God telling me that there was somewhere else he wanted me to be.

I began to explore other options, one other to be exact, McLean Bible Church.  I have never been to a church this size and it was extremely intimidating.  After years of being out of church I felt extremely hesitant to attend a church this size.  I would almost try and talk myself out of attending MBC saying that I would only get lost in such a big church.  But, praise God for his persistence and steadfast love.  He kept at me so I walked in one Sunday morning mid service here at MBC and watched part of Lon’s sermon on the TV’s in the main lobby and then walked out.  I didn’t go back for a few weeks; but, again, God remained persistent and he kept telling me that this is where I belonged.  I finally submitted to his will and attended a 9AM service.  As soon as I walked in the auditorium I felt the Spirit consume me.  I thought to myself, “This is it, I’m where I need to be.”

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20

Steve
(accepted Christ in 1995, living for God since 2008)