I had a great childhood. I grew up in a Catholic home with loving parents, had two caring grandmothers and a huge extended family on both sides. As the only daughter and the youngest of 3, my parents were more lenient with me. I was responsible with my studies and my jobs, and respectful to others. But I had no relationship with Jesus as I became an adult. I didn’t understand that I could have one. I prayed and talked to God, but mostly when I needed something. And I thought that confessing to a priest and a few Hail Mary prayers would redeem me. You see, I had already graduated High School, had been driving myself around for two years, became very independent and got around on my own.
My boyfriend and I split my senior year. I had traveled to Panama on a sports exchange program in High School, went to Hawaii for a bikini contest and a Hula bowl football game and traveled to Spain for a wedding in Sevilla. I appeared on a local TV show a few times and participated in other local bikini contest all while starting my college years. These were some of the first mistakes that I made, during those early years.
I had a new job, new friends, started college and had a new outlook on life. I was ready for anything, and nothing would stop me. I found myself dating a lot and had become promiscuous, undiscriminating and unselective of the men I dated. I made a lot of mistakes, picked up bad habits and messed up good relationships, all the while I really just longed for a relationship with someone I could grow old with, but couldn’t find Mr. Right. As a high schooler, I had become aware of these clinics and visited one similar to Panned Parenthood with the boyfriend I had during high school. Then I would later visit it again later in my 20’s, twice…
I was lost, faithless and careless with my life, my body. I had become selfish, self-centered, hopeless and put my parents through a lot. Although they knew nothing of my visits to these clinics, they nearly split up during those years and I can’t help to think it may have been because of the stress I may have added to their marriage.
When I thought I was done, and had no luck dating, feeling like I would never marry. The Lord had His own plan. I soon met my future husband. Two years later, we were engaged and married in 2002. Although we were still two lost sheep when we married, my husband knew we needed to get right with the Lord and felt convicted to find us a church to attend. So we tried different churches, and came back to the one we felt most comfortable with. This was one of the first things we did right as a married couple.
The first couple of years we were part-time church goers though, one foot in one foot out, living two lives. But we weren’t fooling God. He still had His plan for us, but he patiently waited for us. We later began to get more involved, making new friendships with God-fearing people, ending old friendships and changing our lifestyle all together. This was the second best decisions we made as a couple. We finished college and had a healthy and beautiful baby girl. She was everything to us and the reason my husband and I finally took his sobriety serious. The third thing we did right as a couple.
Those years of my life are obviously very shameful to me, but God was there waiting to pull me out of the pit when I called. He was setting things up for my good, so that one day I would make that much needed decision to accept His Grace and ask him into my life, to save me from the wretch that I was, to forgive me for the mess that I had made of my life and to restore me and renew me again. I still ask Jesus to cleanse me every day, because I still fall short every day, I still mess up as a wife and a mother to my two sweet babies.
But that shame was taken “off” me because Jesus paid the price for my shame, and I have learned that He has redeemed me. The Lord has turned my past into purpose, He has freed me! Am I where I would like to be or am I who I would like to be today? No, I’m not. But I am so far from where I was 20 years ago.
Cynthia
(living for Christ since 2005)
